The Many Deaths of Uchiha Itachi
by BukkakeNoJutsu
Summary: A re-post! Culled for offensive language in summary! Much like a prison train, Uchiha Itachi meets ignoble fates, again and again.


The Many Deaths of Uchiha Itachi

Scenario 1: Revengance!

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Disclaimer: Uchiha Itachi does not belong to me. If he did, he would run very, very far away, but never far enough.

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Team 7, reunited again, was a paragon of shinobi efficiency.

Probational genin Uchiha Sasuke, chuunin Haruno Sakura, and elite S-ranked genin Uzumaki Naruto worked together like Morino Ibiki and bound captives, meaning to say very well indeed.

Yeah.

Teamwork and trust were the key to their successes, but upon the cusp of realizing a lifelong goal, Uchiha Sasuke once again decided to throw that all away, much like an idiot.

Together, they had managed to hunt down some Akatsuki members, one by one, in order to stop Uchiha Madara's insane ambitions.

The only Akatsuki member that mattered to Sasuke was Itachi, his traitorous older brother.

Once Team 7 had tracked down Itachi's whereabouts, Sasuke had extracted a promise from each of his teammates to not interfere in his fight with his brother, unless absolutely necessary. They would be his backup, his insurance.

After months of searching, Sasuke was finally face-to-face with his traitorous kin.

His revenge would be glorious.

He nodded to his far-off teammates and then activated his Sharingan, focusing intently on the man he had devoted his life to kill.

Itachi's red eyes met his own and the battle began.

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Uzumaki Naruto's fists were clenched in excitement and nervousness. It was sort of a nice change of pace to witness a high-level battle for once instead of being in one, desperately fighting and clawing and biting for his life.

It wasn't that he disliked fighting. Naruto, at times, loved a good fight. He even occasionally lusted after a good fight the same way that Jiraya lusted over the elusive animal known as "simultaneous-mother/daughter-action."

No, Uzumaki Naruto hated regenerating spare lungs on the fly. It wasn't the pain that bothered him, but the coughing up of charred pieces of lung and lung fluids that mostly tasted like really bad soup broth afterwards that really annoyed him.

As a connoisseur of various kinds of broth-based soups (not just ramen as widely thought), Naruto heavily disfavored any broths flavored with more unsavory organ meats.

Naruto pushed any culinary considerations to the backburner as he hoped to witness a titanic clash of wills and skills.

The blond teen waited with baited breath.

The Uchiha brothers glared at each other with intense hatred.

And continued glaring,

And staring.

It wasn't an intensely physical type of glaring with outward signs of strain, where, if one were to falter, the loser's head would explode like an overripe watermelon rigged with firecrakers.

No, they were still.

They were calm.

They were motionless.

They were… …absolutely fucking boring to watch.

Naruto stifled a yawn.

"What the hell, Sakura-chan? Aren't they supposed to be fighting or something? Or are they just going to stare longingly in each others' eyes?"

After wiping the drool from her chin, Sakura lightly bopped him on the head.

"Can't you recognize a high-level genjutsu duel when you see one?"

With a tilt of his head, Naruto tapped his right index finger on his chin.

"No, not really..."

Sakura sighed, "They are probably trading crazy jutsus back and forth in their minds, full of fire and lightning. Pewpewpew!"

Sakura mimed the motions of an intense jutsu duel, all with wildly inaccurate sound effects. As it was, she was a medic-nin and not a foley artist after all.

Naruto nodded his head before commenting.

"I'm willing to bet there are a fuck-ton of crows. Itachi's kinda gay for them for some reason."

They continued watching as the s-ranked staring contest stretched out to seconds and then minutes.

To be more accurate, only Sakura continued watching while Naruto quickly became bored and lost interest.

Actually, Naruto sat down pulling out a deck of cards and attempted a few games of solitaire.

After a sizable amount of time, the blonde got to his feet and yelled, "This is ridiculous! Fuck it! I can't stand this!"

Before Sakura could stop him Naruto's form blurred into motion.

"Naruto, you idiot!"

The genin appeared crouched behind Itachi, hands clenched in a seal, gathering chakra.

Naruto thrust his hands skyward

"Fuuton...SENNEN GOROSHI!1!"

Itachi shot into the air like a rocket, hands clenching his behind.

The older Uchiha landed on his feet, albeit gracelessly, looking at his hands now covered in blood.

Itachi hadn't felt pain like that since the time he and Kisame ate those weird mushrooms in Grass Country. The red-eyed missing-nin had the misfortune to find out firsthand that his blue-skinned partner was indeed rough and bumpy all over.

This was kinda like 2.5 times worse than that.

At least in pain, not in awkward glances and embarrassment.

He turned and glared at Naruto, and sent a stream of black fire that caused the cheeky blonde to dispel with a puff of smoke.

"Son of a b-"

Itachi's curse was choked off as he looked down to see Sasuke's lighting covered hand protruding from the front of his chest.

Sasuke's fingers curled together, leaving only the middle finger extended.

It was the last thing Uchiha Itachi saw right before his younger brother poured all the lighting he could muster into his chest intent on cooking him like a baby chick in a deep fryer.

But the last thing he even heard was the boisterous laughter of Uzumaki Naruto.

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Later.

"C'mon Sasuke. Stop moping. You killed the bastard already. How about a high five?"

Naruto lifted up a blood-flecked hand in a friendly gesture.

It took all of Sasuke's control to suppress a smirk that bordered on a genuine smile.

"Dumbass. At least wash your hands first."

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Scenario 1: Fin

AN: As for matchups in this story I'm thinking of Itachi/Chidori, Itachi/Rasengan, and Itachi/Harem of exploding tags.

C&C Welcome.


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